Entire 10 Chapter of Out of Darkness - If Only You Could Have Seen Through My Eyes!
People are quick to judge others, quick to say that they would never in a million years do such a thing as the other has done. Yet have they really felt as you did? Have they seen the darkness for days and days, without any signs of release? Have they lost all hope for days and weeks, and watched the weeks turn into months, and the months turn into years, without the slightest sign of hope or the feeling that they truly can get better? Have they tried to see the world that you live in, or do they merely judge you without any knowledge of the hell you go through?
Why does he still drink, when he knows it only makes him worse?
He wants us to feel sorry for him.
He has given up.
I would never do that.
If he only had more willpower, I know he could turn this thing around.
He just needs some self-confidence.
If he could just get over the first hump, I think he could make it through.
He doesnt want to work, he is too lazy.
How could he do that to his family?
Do you think he really needs to sleep that much?
He is just hiding from his problems.
If he just took the bull by the horns.
I would never let myself sink to that level.
People are quick to judge you but the inadvertently miss the own plank in their eye. What means, is this they judge you for doing something and then they turn around and something worse than you did all the while they are pointing at you for the thing you have done, which is three times better than what they did. Now how can you deal with these people? One thing I can tell you is stay away from them, they are like cancer and soon if you stay around them, you will get it too.
So no matter if its family friends or just about anyone you can think of, run as fast as you can in the other direction, believe me when I tell you, you wont be sorry you did and if they were your true friend they would try and see things through your eyes. I can tell you I dont know what it feels like to have a baby. It looks awful painful, yet if I tell my wife, I understand what it feels like to have a baby I would be lying. Now the point I am trying to make is this, if they the judgers have never had a mental illness they do not know how you feel and if they say they do they are lying. So before, you judge another look in your own eye first!
You may not understand how a person could act in such a way or do the things I have done, but look through my eyes and see what I saw! Now remember you no longer exist, you are Arthur Buchanan! You have been depressed for days now; not your typical depression or just a bad day, but the kind that sucks out all the hope and pleasure and even feels like it will take your last breath and pull you deeper into that pit we call hellMental Illness!
Have you ever seen only darkness? Have you ever lost all hope for days and days? Have you ever taken 640 pills a month?
Have you ever been in the psychic ward?
(I HAVE, MORE THAN 20 TIMES.)
Have you ever driven nails through your hands and your feet? Cut your wrists? Took a knife and driven it into your hands? Overdosed? Seen countless doctors? Been to the emergency room thirty times in a year? Let everyone you love down, over and over again?
(LET ME ADD THAT WITHOUT THE PROPER MEDICATION AND TREATMENT IT IS NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE NOT TO LET THEM DOWN!)
Have you ever looked in the eyes of your children and felt nothing?
(THIS HURTS YOU THE WORST BECAUSE YOU KNOW YOU LOVE THEM!)
Have you felt like God hates you?
(WELL, HAVE YOU?)
Have you lived in a place called hell?
Have you heard the voices screaming in the night?
Have you drunk yourself into a stupor so you could hide the pain?
(YOU WANT TO LIE DOWN AND DIE, AND THAT JUST MAKES YOU WORSENOW YOU FEEL GUILTY TOO!)
My mind would race to try to find a way to get back to the real world.
(WHERE HAS IT GONE?)
The real world of happiness and joy and love, a place where you can have feelings again!
(FEELINGS, WHAT ARE THOSE?)
The real world seems like light years away. How long have I have done everything the doctors and counselors have told me
(LORD, PLEASE HEAR MY PRAYER!)
day after day without any sign of relief? How much can a person take? Surely I have done nothing in this life to deserve the amount of pain that I now encounter every day! Where is the happiness, where is the joy, where can I find peace?
(LORD, HEAR MY PRAYER!)
Have you ever walked in my shoes? Felt the things I have felt? Done the things that I have done to hide the pain? When you can see what I went through and feel, what I did, then maybe, just maybe, you will understand. Even then you will still only have a small glimpse of the torture that I suffered year after year!
I truly and honestly wanted peace and happiness, joy, love, patience, goodness, proud children, and a wife and a family who were proud of me too.
(THATS WHEN IT HIT ME!)
I have made it a lifetime with mental illness (which I choose to call biological unhappiness.)
I have made it thorough the rain and kept my world protected. I have made it through the rain and now I am respected by the others who got rained on too!
(I HAVE MADE IT THROUGH!)
Do you understand what kind of accomplishment this is? I mean it ranks right up there with the greatest of all time. I am not tooting my own horn here, just wanted to let you know the fact that if you ever had a depression and other illnesses that I had you would realize that very few people make it back from there. I wanted to point this out because, you have a blueprint in front of you right now and if you follow it closely you can make it back too! Please know this is not a dream you can do it!
I have never left my family or given up, no matter what the circumstances! I am a winner and deserving of theirs and anyones praise; what I have done I dont think many could duplicate, no matter how strong their mind or their faith may be! Please dont read this wrong. If you are reading this book and have the same or all of the problems that I have been writing about, please dont give up hope! You can make it. You will make it, and I am here to show you how to get started. I am here to lead you through the tough times.
Let me state here that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Through hard work and research and with the wonderful Dr. Heller
(at your side!)
or someone like him who is revolutionizing the field of mental health, you have an opportunity never before available.
Now let me try to explain why I would drink and inflict pain on myself. When the nails would pierce my skin, it would give such relief!
(OH, WHAT A RELIEF IT WAS.)
I mean the blood and the pain, oh, how it would give such relief, a truly magnificent feeling. I never wanted that feeling to leave me, as I had been hoping for some kind of relief for days.
You see, for a short period of time, the pain I felt from the wound would take away from the mental anguish and suffering. That moment was well worth the physical pain and the embarrassment it would cause because for that short period I was normal.
(WHAT A WONDERFUL WORD!)
In addition normal was what I longed to be. Why would I drink when I knew that it was certainly going to make me worse than before? Here again, when I was in a drunken stupor and my mind was very numb, for the first few hours I was one of the guys again!
(GOD HEARD MY PRAYER.)
I was normal for those two hours before the depression set back in and that feeling and relief for that brief moment was well worth the pain it caused me, my friends, or my family, because normal was all I ever wanted out of life!
Therefore, you can see that the alcohol had a purpose. It brought me out of dysphoria, one of the most terrifying experiences that anyone could face, one that you would do anything to get out of, and I mean absolutely anything.
Cutting myself and driving nails through my hands and feet also served to bring me out of dysphoriaand it worked every time!
(YES, IT HURT, DAMMIT.)
An untreated borderline will continue in this manner until he gets proper help, or until he finally snaps and loses it and ends his life. Therefore, these self-defeating behaviors have a purpose and that purpose is to bring you out of the worst feeling that a person could possible have. I pray that I never experience this feeling again. I also pray that no one ever has to go through such an experience. This was my way of coping with such feelings of utter and complete despair, and my way of trying to find a way out of the madness that we call biological unhappiness mental illness.
This is a look through the eyes of me. I hope that it brings insight to anyone who has a family member or friend with a biological unhappiness disorder or other mental illness. This is a look through our eyes!
Arthur Buchanan
Read This Blog
Pentatonic Power. ($11 Rebate)
5 Lyfe Productions - The Best Hip Hop Beats Online. ($11 Rebate)
Read This Blog
Read This Blog
Read This Blog
Kirbys Acoustic Guitar Country & Classic Rock Series. ($11 Rebate)
Free Backstage Passes To Concerts. ($11 Rebate)
Read This Blog
Read This Blog
Club Dj Guide. ($11 Rebate)
Read This Blog
Read This Blog
ReachFame.com. ($11 Rebate)
Read This Blog
Why does he still drink, when he knows it only makes him worse?
He wants us to feel sorry for him.
He has given up.
I would never do that.
If he only had more willpower, I know he could turn this thing around.
He just needs some self-confidence.
If he could just get over the first hump, I think he could make it through.
He doesnt want to work, he is too lazy.
How could he do that to his family?
Do you think he really needs to sleep that much?
He is just hiding from his problems.
If he just took the bull by the horns.
I would never let myself sink to that level.
People are quick to judge you but the inadvertently miss the own plank in their eye. What means, is this they judge you for doing something and then they turn around and something worse than you did all the while they are pointing at you for the thing you have done, which is three times better than what they did. Now how can you deal with these people? One thing I can tell you is stay away from them, they are like cancer and soon if you stay around them, you will get it too.
So no matter if its family friends or just about anyone you can think of, run as fast as you can in the other direction, believe me when I tell you, you wont be sorry you did and if they were your true friend they would try and see things through your eyes. I can tell you I dont know what it feels like to have a baby. It looks awful painful, yet if I tell my wife, I understand what it feels like to have a baby I would be lying. Now the point I am trying to make is this, if they the judgers have never had a mental illness they do not know how you feel and if they say they do they are lying. So before, you judge another look in your own eye first!
You may not understand how a person could act in such a way or do the things I have done, but look through my eyes and see what I saw! Now remember you no longer exist, you are Arthur Buchanan! You have been depressed for days now; not your typical depression or just a bad day, but the kind that sucks out all the hope and pleasure and even feels like it will take your last breath and pull you deeper into that pit we call hellMental Illness!
Have you ever seen only darkness? Have you ever lost all hope for days and days? Have you ever taken 640 pills a month?
Have you ever been in the psychic ward?
(I HAVE, MORE THAN 20 TIMES.)
Have you ever driven nails through your hands and your feet? Cut your wrists? Took a knife and driven it into your hands? Overdosed? Seen countless doctors? Been to the emergency room thirty times in a year? Let everyone you love down, over and over again?
(LET ME ADD THAT WITHOUT THE PROPER MEDICATION AND TREATMENT IT IS NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE NOT TO LET THEM DOWN!)
Have you ever looked in the eyes of your children and felt nothing?
(THIS HURTS YOU THE WORST BECAUSE YOU KNOW YOU LOVE THEM!)
Have you felt like God hates you?
(WELL, HAVE YOU?)
Have you lived in a place called hell?
Have you heard the voices screaming in the night?
Have you drunk yourself into a stupor so you could hide the pain?
(YOU WANT TO LIE DOWN AND DIE, AND THAT JUST MAKES YOU WORSENOW YOU FEEL GUILTY TOO!)
My mind would race to try to find a way to get back to the real world.
(WHERE HAS IT GONE?)
The real world of happiness and joy and love, a place where you can have feelings again!
(FEELINGS, WHAT ARE THOSE?)
The real world seems like light years away. How long have I have done everything the doctors and counselors have told me
(LORD, PLEASE HEAR MY PRAYER!)
day after day without any sign of relief? How much can a person take? Surely I have done nothing in this life to deserve the amount of pain that I now encounter every day! Where is the happiness, where is the joy, where can I find peace?
(LORD, HEAR MY PRAYER!)
Have you ever walked in my shoes? Felt the things I have felt? Done the things that I have done to hide the pain? When you can see what I went through and feel, what I did, then maybe, just maybe, you will understand. Even then you will still only have a small glimpse of the torture that I suffered year after year!
I truly and honestly wanted peace and happiness, joy, love, patience, goodness, proud children, and a wife and a family who were proud of me too.
(THATS WHEN IT HIT ME!)
I have made it a lifetime with mental illness (which I choose to call biological unhappiness.)
I have made it thorough the rain and kept my world protected. I have made it through the rain and now I am respected by the others who got rained on too!
(I HAVE MADE IT THROUGH!)
Do you understand what kind of accomplishment this is? I mean it ranks right up there with the greatest of all time. I am not tooting my own horn here, just wanted to let you know the fact that if you ever had a depression and other illnesses that I had you would realize that very few people make it back from there. I wanted to point this out because, you have a blueprint in front of you right now and if you follow it closely you can make it back too! Please know this is not a dream you can do it!
I have never left my family or given up, no matter what the circumstances! I am a winner and deserving of theirs and anyones praise; what I have done I dont think many could duplicate, no matter how strong their mind or their faith may be! Please dont read this wrong. If you are reading this book and have the same or all of the problems that I have been writing about, please dont give up hope! You can make it. You will make it, and I am here to show you how to get started. I am here to lead you through the tough times.
Let me state here that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Through hard work and research and with the wonderful Dr. Heller
(at your side!)
or someone like him who is revolutionizing the field of mental health, you have an opportunity never before available.
Now let me try to explain why I would drink and inflict pain on myself. When the nails would pierce my skin, it would give such relief!
(OH, WHAT A RELIEF IT WAS.)
I mean the blood and the pain, oh, how it would give such relief, a truly magnificent feeling. I never wanted that feeling to leave me, as I had been hoping for some kind of relief for days.
You see, for a short period of time, the pain I felt from the wound would take away from the mental anguish and suffering. That moment was well worth the physical pain and the embarrassment it would cause because for that short period I was normal.
(WHAT A WONDERFUL WORD!)
In addition normal was what I longed to be. Why would I drink when I knew that it was certainly going to make me worse than before? Here again, when I was in a drunken stupor and my mind was very numb, for the first few hours I was one of the guys again!
(GOD HEARD MY PRAYER.)
I was normal for those two hours before the depression set back in and that feeling and relief for that brief moment was well worth the pain it caused me, my friends, or my family, because normal was all I ever wanted out of life!
Therefore, you can see that the alcohol had a purpose. It brought me out of dysphoria, one of the most terrifying experiences that anyone could face, one that you would do anything to get out of, and I mean absolutely anything.
Cutting myself and driving nails through my hands and feet also served to bring me out of dysphoriaand it worked every time!
(YES, IT HURT, DAMMIT.)
An untreated borderline will continue in this manner until he gets proper help, or until he finally snaps and loses it and ends his life. Therefore, these self-defeating behaviors have a purpose and that purpose is to bring you out of the worst feeling that a person could possible have. I pray that I never experience this feeling again. I also pray that no one ever has to go through such an experience. This was my way of coping with such feelings of utter and complete despair, and my way of trying to find a way out of the madness that we call biological unhappiness mental illness.
This is a look through the eyes of me. I hope that it brings insight to anyone who has a family member or friend with a biological unhappiness disorder or other mental illness. This is a look through our eyes!
Arthur Buchanan
Read This Blog
Pentatonic Power. ($11 Rebate)
5 Lyfe Productions - The Best Hip Hop Beats Online. ($11 Rebate)
Read This Blog
Read This Blog
Read This Blog
Kirbys Acoustic Guitar Country & Classic Rock Series. ($11 Rebate)
Free Backstage Passes To Concerts. ($11 Rebate)
Read This Blog
Read This Blog
Club Dj Guide. ($11 Rebate)
Read This Blog
Read This Blog
ReachFame.com. ($11 Rebate)
Read This Blog
posted by music-download91613 at
11:20 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home